The Science Behind Emotional Meltdowns – How the Brain Loses Logic and What You Can Do

When it comes to parenting, few challenges are as universally frustrating—and confusing—as dealing with a child’s difficult behavior. But what if we viewed those moments not as battles to win, but as messages to decode?

That’s the perspective Dr. Jennifer Roberts invites us into. With decades of experience in education and trauma-informed practice, Dr. Roberts helps us understand how emotional literacy, co-regulation, and biological awareness can radically shift how we relate to our kids.

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Emotional Literacy: A Skill We All Need

Emotional literacy is the ability to recognize, understand, and express our emotions in healthy ways. It’s foundational to healthy relationships and academic success—but it’s rarely taught explicitly. As Dr. Roberts points out, “We tend to think kids should already know how to regulate, and if they don't, they're being disrespectful. But emotional regulation is a skill—and it must be taught.”

She explains that children often get labeled as “bad” or “disruptive” for behavior that’s actually rooted in nervous system dysregulation. “Behavior is a form of communication,” she says. “Dysregulated behavior is the language of an unmet need.”

Understanding this reframes everything. Instead of reacting to a tantrum with punishment or shame, we can respond with curiosity: What is this child trying to tell me?

The Hand Model of the Brain: Why Logic Goes Offline

To help parents grasp what's happening inside a dysregulated child, Dr. Roberts uses the well-known “hand model” of the brain. Your palm represents the brainstem—the reptilian brain, responsible for basic functions like breathing. Fold your thumb across the center, and you’ve got the limbic system—home of fight, flight, and freeze. Finally, fold your fingers over the top: that’s your prefrontal cortex, where logic, reasoning, and empathy live.

But here's the kicker: when a child (or adult) is emotionally overwhelmed, the prefrontal cortex goes offline. “You can’t access logic, reasoning, or empathy from the limbic system,” says Dr. Roberts. “If a child is flipping out, they’re not being disrespectful—they’re being hijacked by biology.”

This model doesn’t just apply to kids. Adults also flip their lids. That’s why one of the most powerful parenting moves is to pause. “When your buttons are being pushed, push pause,” Dr. Roberts urges. “Say, ‘I need a moment to calm down so I can talk to you in a kind way.’ That models regulation, which teaches your child how to regulate too.”

From Power Struggles to Connection

Dr. Roberts warns against falling into the “right versus wrong” dynamic, especially in the heat of conflict. “When we show up with foe energy—demanding obedience, yelling, asserting power—it activates that same threat response in kids,” she says. “Their bodies go into fight, flight, or freeze, and they can’t hear you.”

Instead, she suggests shifting into a posture of curiosity and connection: What is this behavior trying to tell me? How can I create safety first? Even changing your tone—speaking "low and slow," as she puts it—can be powerful. “Low and slow is the opposite of foe,” she says. “It tells the nervous system, this person is safe.”

Movement is another powerful tool. “I’ve had children who were so angry I didn’t know if they were going to punch me,” Dr. Roberts recalls. “I’d just say, ‘You don’t have to talk. Just walk with me.’ That proximity, that co-regulation through calm presence, helps them come back online.”

Using Biology to Your Advantage

In a surprisingly practical moment, Dr. Roberts shared a tip that combines neuroscience and snack time: sweet foods help calm the nervous system. “Salty foods are excitatory. Sweet foods shut off cortisol,” she explains. “So when a child is dysregulated, I hand them a little bottle of water and five organic gummy bears. Hydration helps flush neurochemicals, and the sugar helps the body settle.”

It’s not about bribery—it’s about biology. Just like a calming corner or a sensory tool, a small sweet treat can support regulation. The goal is to help kids learn what works for them, and gradually take ownership of those tools. “You’re helping them move from co-regulation to self-regulation,” she says. “That builds self-efficacy: I know how to calm myself down.”

You Don’t Have to Be Perfect—Just Present

One of the most important takeaways from this conversation is that you don’t have to get it right every time. In fact, Dr. Roberts is adamant: “You don’t have to be perfect to be amazing.”

Parents are the first and most important relationship a child has. Your presence, consistency, and willingness to say, “I’m sorry. Can I try that again?” can shape your child’s emotional development far more than any perfect strategy. “Sometimes you get it right. Sometimes you need a do-over,” she says. “But your child learns from how you handle both.”

Ultimately, emotional literacy isn’t just a skill for children. It’s for all of us. And when we commit to building it—through curiosity, patience, and connection—we raise kids who can feel, express, and regulate their emotions. And we become more grounded and compassionate in the process.

Referenced Resources & Contact Info

• Hand Model of the Brain by Dr. Dan Siegel

• Research on Sugar and Cortisol Reduction: Tryon, M.S., et al. (2013). Sweet taste reduces stress responses in humans.

• Mirror Neuron Research: Rizzolatti, G., & Sinigaglia, C. (2016). The mirror mechanism: a basic principle of brain function.

For support or to connect with Dr. Jennifer Roberts, you can reach her directly at:📧jennifer@jwroberts.com